@Blackbird As promised, here are my characters, performing a heist, in the format of a play. (Sort of. I could've done better in my formatting. Just imagine it as a play.) Not the best quality, but given the ridiculousness, I'm not sure that matters. Just as long as the point gets across.
Also, the characters are drawn from the void of 'after the novel ends', so there are a couple of references that you wouldn't see anywhere else. You should feel very privileged by seeing them.
Setting: Various places in a Martian country.
The characters are four totally different people staging a burglary heist:
Benito: Early thirties.
Nelly: Either late twenties or early thirties.
Michael: Early twenties.
Rus: Early twenties; a very pale, very short humanoid alien.
Scene One: The four burglars all sit or stand somewhere in what is clearly a living room. The couch is sunken and looks uncomfortable. Nelly looks concerned. Michael is eating something that looks like a wrap. Benito is on a tablet. Rus is near Michael.
Rus: I want something to eat.
Michael: I bought this with my own money. I’m not sharing.
Nelly: I would hope you bought it with your own money.
Michael: (deep sigh)
Benito: (triumphant) I told you there weren’t any cameras by the vault.
Michael: (looks very confused) How is that even possible? Are you sure it’s the right vault? Because I don’t think that’s possible.
Benito: “Is it the right vault?” (rolls eyes and mutters under breath)
Rus: Is there food in the vault?
Michael: Oh my God Rus. We've talked about this. Go raid the fridge or something.
Benito: Don’t you dare raid my fridge!
Nelly: Please don’t.
Benito: (frowns at Nelly) What’s that mean?
Nelly: It means I was there when you found out your sister ate your cucumbers.
Benito: I’m still really upset about that. That was going to be a great sandwich.
Rus: How far away is the vault, anyway?
Benito: It’s in walking distance.
Rus: Will there be restaurants on the way?
Rus: Will they have edible food?
Michael: Probably not. You should’ve thought ahead, man.
Rus: (depressed sigh)
Nelly grabs the tablet from Benito.
Nelly: We should probably get going. It says the district closes at five. (frowns at the tablet) That’s a strange district for a vault.
Michael: Why? What district is it?
Benito: What district did you expect it to be in?
Nelly: Not… not that one?
Rus: Can we go before the guilt really starts to sink in?
The three look at Rus. Then, Nelly gestures to Benito.
Nelly: Lead the way.
Those on the couch get up, and they all walk towards the door. Rus picks up an empty duffel bag before following.
Scene Two: They are now in a large room with many shops on the sides of the walls. There is a lot of hustle and bustle and pre-teen children are shouting about their availability for any work under the sun.
Rus anxiously watches all the people. Nelly has a concerned expression, while Michael seems confused.
Benito: (cheerful) We’re here!
Michael: I can’t believe they would keep the vault somewhere this busy. Do you think it’s meant to dissuade people from trying to rob the vault in case people recognize them? Wait, how are there no cameras here?
Benito: (sighs) Fine, we’re not here. But we’re almost here.
Michael: There, you mean?
Benito: I AM GOING TO KILL YOU IF YOU DO NOT STOP
Nelly: Calm thoughts, Benito. Calm thoughts. (hugs Benito)
Rus: That’s mean, Michael.
Benito: I AM TIRED OF LISTENING TO YOUR CONDESCENDING JUDGEMENT
Nelly: (calmly) Just ignore him.
Michael: Plus, once we get done, we’ll all be rich enough that we’ll never have to talk to each other again.
Rus: Are you sure?
Michael: How couldn’t we be?
Rus: Okay… (clears throat) So, do we have to go past all the people?
Benito: Unfortunately, yes.
Benito: But don’t worry. They won’t bother you.
Rus: (sighs in relief)
Benito: (eyes the shouting children warily) Probably.
Rus: (eyes get large) Wai-
Michael: Can we please get going?
Nelly: Somebody’s in a bad mood.
Benito: He’s always in a bad mood. Just ignore him.
Nelly: (glances at audience as if to ask if they remembered just a moment ago when Benito was yelling at Michael) Will do, Benito, will do.
They begin to walk through the crowd. They make it halfway across the stage when a small girl runs up to them.
Girl: Do you want to buy something? (notices Rus) Are you an alien!?
Rus: (increasingly anxious and fearful)
Nelly: It’s not polite to ask people if they’re aliens.
Girl: I think he’s an alien.
Michael: Don’t be an ass, kid.
Benito: (smacks Michael) She’s twelve! You can’t insult twelve-year-olds like that! Don’t be such an asshole, Santos!
Girl: (matter-of-fact) I’m actually eleven.
Benito: (looks at Michael)
Rus: I’m not an alien. I’m just a regular person.
Girl: But are you human?
Rus: (uncertainly) No?
Girl: I knew it! (dances triumphantly, then becomes serious again) I’ve never met an alien before.
The girl tries to poke Rus. Rus refrains from smacking her hand, but steps out of her way and behind Michael. Michael looks mildly annoyed by this, and smacks the girl’s hand. Benito smacks Michael again.
Benito: She’s eleven! (looks sternly at the girl) Don’t try and touch people! It’s rude and I’m willing to call your mother!
Girl: (freezes) I wasn’t trying to touch anyone!
Nelly: Look, kid, we don’t want to buy anything.
Girl: (sighs) Fine.
The girl runs off. Michael turns around to face Rus.
Michael: Are ya gonna be okay?
Michael: (pats Rus on the shoulder) It’s okay. I promise.
Rus: You can’t just try and attack people without any warning. It’s mean. How am I supposed to mentally prepare for something if they’re just going to randomly do it and not give any warning!?
Michael: She wasn’t attacking you. She was just being insensitive.
Rus: That’s not the point! (pauses) Well, the insensitive part was the point. The not-attacking part isn’t.
Nelly: I’m hungry.
Rus: How much farther is it to the vault?
Benito: (pulls out tablet and examines it) Ten minutes or so. (glances at everyone individually) I hope you’ve all been working on your upper body strength.
Michael: (frowns) They’re heavy, but they’re not that heavy, even if we took everything in the vault.
Benito: (brows furrow in concern) Huh. I mean… if that’s what you want to tell yourself…
Scene three: They are the only ones on stage again. They stand in front of a large, solid door. The wall of the vault, facing the audience, is also large and solid.
Rus: (anxious) So, if we get arrested, how long will we go to prison for? Is the prison very bad?
Michael: Auroraean prison isn’t as bad as you’re thinking. Relax.
Benito: It’s probably worse, from what I’ve heard.
Rus: (completely and utterly terrified) OKAY I’M OUT BYE GUYS I CAN’T GO BACK TO PRISON BYE
Michael: Shephyrus! Shut up! Someone’s going to hear you!
Rus: I CAN’T GO BACK TO PRISON I WILL LITERALLY DIE AND I DON’T USE THE WORD LITERALLY FOR NOTHING I WILL DIE IF I GET INCARCERATED AGAIN
Michael: You… well, you don’t use ‘literally’ that much. (puts his hands on Rus’s shoulders) Rus, calm down. You’re not going to be incarcerated. Have you seen your lawyers? You’re not going to be incarcerated! And we’re not going to be caught, either. That’s the whole point of having a spaceship.
Rus: (still speaking in a loud voice) Are you sure? Because I would be more willing to die than go back to prison.
Michael: You’re not going back to prison.
Rus: (stares intensely at Michael. After a long silence, he says) Okay. Okay, I’ll believe you.
Benito: I mean, I’ve heard it’s bad, but I doubt it’s that bad.
Nelly: Can you share your lawyers if we all get arrested?
Rus: (still speaking loudly and very quickly) No, probably not. They’re pretty expensive. I guess if you all pooled your money, then you could hire them, too.
Michael: You can’t share a few dollars?
Rus: You have a good point. I might be able to do that.
Everyone is silent, looking at each other.
Michael: (glancing at the door) So, you’re absolutely sure that there are no cameras here?
Benito: I don’t have time for jail. I’m sure that there’s no cameras here. Why would there be, anyway?
Rus: They put a vault around it, so there’s no reason not to add extra security with cameras.
Michael: Exactly! Thank you.
Benito: Eh. (walks up to the door) Do you think it’s very heavy?
Michael: Do you think it’s not locked?
Benito: Why would it be locked?
Rus: Is it gold in there? I really love the way gold looks, even though it’s really heavy.
Benito: Why would we have gold just lying around?
Michael: I thought we talked about this, Rus.
Rus: I remember talking about it, but I was really tired.
Nelly: I can sympathize with that.
Rus: Thank you.
Nelly: (pauses and frowns) Have you just been trying to figure out what was in there this whole time?
Rus: For a while, I had genuinely convinced myself that it was just a hoard of food, but then I realized that if it was, it would all be MREs and they’d probably be all human foods, so since then, yes.
Nelly: (nods) Okay then.
They all stand and watch as Benito pushes open the door. It takes quite a bit of effort and swings forward slowly. Bright light shines from within and pools around the burglars. Michael stares in shock. Nelly frowns. Benito looks proud. Rus looks unimpressed. Benito takes the duffel bag from Rus and opens it up. From it, he takes a knife.
Rus: (startles) Why the hell do you have a butcher knife!?
Benito: It’s not a butcher knife. Calm down. (looks at Nelly) Do you think they’re ripe? They taste best when they’re green.
Michael: (in a daze) What is even going on
Nelly: How should I know? You’re the expert here. Though, I will say, this explains a lot about the vault being in the fruit district.
Benito: (pauses; looks at everyone individually) What exactly did you think was in the vault?
Michael: Um. Starship fuel, maybe?
Rus: I thought it was something we could either sell for money to buy something to eat, or something that we could make into food. …Does this qualify?
Nelly: I was just tagging along because you (points at Michael) said there would probably be a spaceship involved.
Michael: I can’t even right now.
Benito: Huh. Well, I’ll be right back.
Benito enters the vault. He calls for Nelly to come help. Nelly comes back out first, holding the knife. Benito follows, holding a ripe coconut in his hands.
Benito: (taking a drink) I wish it was green.
Nelly: Can’t have everything.
Benito: I guess this is okay, too.
Rus: So are we harvesting them or did we drag along that bag just to hide the knife so that no one suspected us and called us in for arrestment?
Michael: Is that even a word?
Benito: We’re harvesting them. I’m too cheap to get them by legal means.
Michael: I feel so… misled and… and… lied to.
Benito offers Michael the coconut. When Michael declines, he simply shrugs and takes another drink. Curtain falls.
OMG. This is the best thing ever. There are no words. lol
@Blackbird Glad you approve! XD
@typical_demigod I love how none of them even knew what they were stealing and just went along with it anyway. lol