I have no name for this story yet
So I wrote this story in 2014 and I think it has real potential to be something good. Maybe not great but maybe good. So I was wondering if anyone could give ideas as to what happens next, maybe switch up a few things? Remember I wrote this in high school so it is not at all good and I have not touched it since, so yeah just a little thing to keep in mind
The year is 2014. It’s a Tuesday in the middle of October. It’s 9:30 PM and my 18 birthday is in two and half hours. Now I know what you are thinking if you are from the far future I hope that in all honestly things have changed for you. But on my 18 birthday along with everyone else’s birthday, our lives are changed for what people think is the beginning to a great life. Tomorrow morning I get to choose my job, my personality, and what I look like and my talents. Sounds pretty amazing right? Well I think it’s wrong. I also will get the time on my wrist of 28:06:42:12. That’s how much time I have until I either get to live my life or I have to die right then and there when that clock hits zero. If I do anything wrong in those 28 days I die and everything I have ever done will be forgotten.
The government tries really hard to keep things like this hidden. They want the world to remain sweet and innocent to those who have not entered the real world yet. Which is understable. But the only reason I know is because they took my brother away. And after his time hit zero my parents got their memories erased so they would never ever have to remember their son dying in their daughter’s arms ever again. That was over a year ago. I am the only one who remembers anything and everything about him. How could my parents do that? Just erase him as if he was just some pointless doodle on your science homework. He was my best friend. And now he is gone. I don’t get to listen to his amazing advice and have him help in this situation. Because In my opinion I don’t think this transformation is worth it. Its a waste of time and I know that one of those days during my 28 I will freak out and then they will have to automatically shut off my time. Because I would be a disgrace.
If anything goes wrong you can get it erased. But why would you want that? I mean to forget things so precious. Like holding your baby for the first time or maybe watching them walk or talk. Or riding a bike for the first time? I mean I guess it makes sense to erase some memories but they don’t they erase everything that has to do with topic. I guess forgetting is less painful than remembering. I wish my parents kept my brother in their memories. But now we have no choice but to sit there and realize that I am their only child. And to them always have been.
The clock in my room struck a 11:30. I layed in bed just waiting for the time to run out. The chiming and the gentle tick tock were soothing yet every time I heard a tock my heart sank. It was like a time bomb that could go off at any given moment. I didn’t want tomorrow to come. I couldn’t handle it. My life might end at the end of those 28 days. Every bump bruise scar anything wrong with me will be erased tomorrow morning and I will start with clean slate. A clean slate I truly don’t want. I enjoy having the scar above my eye when I fell down in the playground. I want the bruise from when I hit my hip on the side of the table. I want those. They are apart of me. Why can’t anyone else see that?
That time had finally came. I was officially 18. I layed my head on my pillow and just layed there looking up at the ceiling. I didn’t want this choice I didn’t want to deal with this huge decision of picking everything my life was suppose to be. What if I choose the wrong thing? What if this isn’t the right choice? What if I never live past those 28 days? My heart was racing and my head was running through every thought I could have. I was panicking and crying. My mom came in and sat on my bed. She wasn’t smiling like she always does. She sat there and ran her fingers through my hair. I looked up at her and all she could do was look at me with her sad doe eyes.
“Honey, there is no need to be upset.” She whispered. “I know it’s scary but I promise that everything will be ok.”
I just looked up at her and shook my head. She didn’t understand and she never would. She wanted to be like everyone else.
“Mom you don’t understand, you want to be like everyone else. I don’t know! I want to be myself and feel like I belong in my own skin!”
She didn’t say anything. She just looked at me and she began to cry. She didn’t say anything else. She got off my best and walked out the room. I just layed there.
I eventually fell asleep. I woke up to my parents standing by my bed with a cake. It was cursive writing saying “Happy Birthday Skye” I got up and hugged both of them without saying anything. We all knew what I was thinking just none of us were going to say or talk about it.
“Honey, you should get ready. Your breakfast will be on the table when you are ready.” Said my mom.
They left closing the door quietly. I walked over to my closet and pulled my jeans out and some random purple shirt. Through it on and braided my hair to the side. I stood looking in the mirror taking everything. The scar above my eye was visible today. I took everything in. I was going to miss looking this since my hair and eyes didn’t fit into the descriptions. My eyes were filled with exhaustion but I couldn’t do anything. So i took a long deep breath in and out and walked out of my room. Slowly of course because I didn’t want to see my family. They were going to try and talk about how I need to focus on the good and no the bed. No one dies during the transformation.” I could already hear it.
I was wrong though. I walked into the kitchen and saw a pile of waffles and fruit and bacon all on my plate. My mom was on one side of the table and my dad was on the other. They weren’t talking. They weren’t smiling. They weren’t doing anything. I sat down and ate silently not saying a word. I kept everything to myself.
Once I finished my mom and I walked out to the car and were on our way to examination center where I would no longer have the scar above my eye. The scar above my eye. The car ride was silent and I just sat there looking out the window as if I was in some cheesy romance/sad song. I mean I guess this was a sad song because everything was changing and I wasn’t ready for it.
We walked into the examination room and they put me on a table. I didn’t say anything. They showed my pictures of what I wanted and I chose the black hair with blue eyes. A girl who could write, sing, and play the piano and guitar. I chose to be a photographer. And that was that. They covered my eyes and my mom left. The doctor came up to me and that’s when I decided to strike. I elbowed the doctor in the gut and has he fell to the ground I jumped up uncovered my eyes and ran. As I ran to the door the guards ran in to try and stop my from getting out. I kicked punched and bit my way through. I was NOT going to be changed. I’m going to get away and not have to worry about anything.
I ran through the halls trying to hide and make sure no one else saw me. I wasn’t spotted but then the hard part came next. The doors to the outside world. I looked at them. They were tall and had to be opened by a button. There were two guards walking back and forth in front of them And that was my only chance out. I had to make a distraction so that the guards would leave the door unguarded and I could get out. But then I had to plan after that. Where was i going to go? I couldn’t go home. They would expect that.
I watched the guards and they suddenly ran the opposite direction. The door was unguarded and that was my chance. The chance that I took. I took a few deep breaths and ran as fast and hard as I could. I was almost to the button when two hard strong hands came down on my shoulder. I fell to the ground coughing and gasping for air. Whoever was behind on me grabbed my hands and put them above my head. I couldn’t move. I looked at the face and it was the doctor that was suppose to do my evaluation. He used all his weight to push me into the ground and make sure I couldn’t and wouldnt move. His knee was against my ribs shoving into them.
“You need to come with us.”
He grabbed my by my hair and pulled me off the ground wrapped his arms all the way around me. Then I looked over to see another doctor walk towards me with a huge needle ready to stick it into my arm. I looked at him and screamed bloody murder. I kicked and cried and did whatever I could to get away from him. I wasn’t strong enough. The other doctor grabbed my arm and shoved the needle into it. At first I didn’t feel anything but then I felt the sudden tiredness and my body go completely limp. I wanted to fight and struggle and get away but I couldn’t. I fought to keep my eyes open. But they closed and wherever they wanted to take me they could take me there without a fight.
I awoke in an empty room. Everything was white and I was strapped down to a chair. My parents were standing over me and they were talking and laughing and smiling with the doctor. I wanted to tell them that people don’t have a choice for anything. THey have to do it no matter what. But I couldnt they would never believe me. THey didn’t see me run through these halls trying to get away. THey only saw my laying on a bed strapped down because according to the doctor I got “overwhelmed” and “had a slight mental breakdown.” but i was ok now. My parents nodded and agreed to everything he said. The looked at me and smiled ear to ear. All I could think was I will never smile like that. The only way I will smile is if you cut me ear to ear.
“We are glad you have come to terms honey. We know this is a good idea and we know you are ready.” My dad said.
The doctor moved towards me and I began to panic. I didnt want to change but I had no choice. The doctor covered my eyes and made sure I was really strapped in so I couldn’t elbow him again. I layed there unable to do anything. I didnt say anything. I didn’t think anything. I heard the doctor and my parents leave as the door closed. The machines began to run and they started making loud noises. IF you were in here you would have to yell at anyone you were talking to.
All I heard for those 5 seconds were silence and the gentle purr of a machine and all I saw was a bright light through the cover over my eyes and that was that.
Skye awoke to her friends and family standing around looking at how she had changed. Her hair was now black and her eyes were now blue. The scar above her eye was no longer there. And her memories of how she got there were erased. She looked at her family and smiled ear to ear. Everyone clapped and cheered her on. She looked around and then walked up to the long mirror hanging and looked at her new self. She looked shocked.
“I look beautiful!” She exclaimed.
And she did. Her skin was soft and gently white. Her eyes were as blue as the ocean and they were filled with laughter. But one thing that everyone saw in her eyes, were her old self. She still had their gentleness and yet they were filled with the pain she had before the transformation. But Skye didn't remember that life and she never would. Now her time starts and her time do the right thing. Her new life was to begin right at this very moment for 28:06:42:06.
Hi @maemeowza ! Welcome to the Forums and thankyou for sharing your work with us!
I think you've made a great start! As for where to go next - the first thing that struck me about this story was how different the character perspectives would be should you choose to explore them. I love reading novels that have multiple perspectives, and I think that could be a really promising way to spark further ideas for this story. For example, perhaps the prologue could be from the brother's perspective about his last day, and how he felt and how his sister and parents acted so different from his own point of view? It could also give the story more poignancy in that regard, and for the reader it could strengthen the sense of that brother/sister bond that was lost and give it more weight for the rest of the story.
And what about writing another chapter from the mother or father's perspective? Perhaps they don't remember much but do remember little threads of memories, but are powerless to work against their own mental 'programming' as such? It could represent the whole perspective of the older generation in the story.
And then of course the doctor's perspective could reveal a little more about the procedure, how many people he has to treat, what a day-to-day life is like for him... giving hints about the overarching storyline but only from his limited knowledge?
Anyway... just an idea but it was the first thing I thought that I would look at if it was me!
My other tip would be to have a look through Jenny's writing advice blog posts - she has plenty of "challenges" to take your story into different directions and see which ones sticks. You can find them on the blog, but one you could look at in particular for the doctor and government characters is her Super Villain Boot Camp?
@Sian Thank you so so much for the feed back I really appreciate it! I will play with these ideas and see where they take me!
Hey @maemeowza! Welcome to the community!
I think your story is interesting, the concept is good and there is potential for good drama and tension. I think the only thing I'm missing is some exploration of the world. Why is the government doing this procedure? Is it possible not to do it? Why do people agree to it? And why do people erase their memories? Why is she the only one that remembers? You can explore this questions as you go through the story, but I it's very important to keep an eye on all those loose ends or you will have some plot holes later on.
One thing I'm curious about is if anyone else share's Skye's POV. Also, can they get their memories back? That is, are the memories permanently erased, or only suppressed? And I'm going to repeat @jaycano's question, because it's important if you want the government to be a strong antagonist: Why? It never even has to be directly addressed in the story, but if you don't know the why's and why not's, then it will show through in your writing.